I only ate 90c today.
Ahh, it makes me so happy.

Restricting without giving myself limitations is probably for the best, since I won't feel defeated if I go over on a given day. I feel.. nice when I'm empty. At the same time, I might be considered a huge cheat since I'm using Lida in conjunction with this, and Lida is supposed to help suppress your appetite.

I really have no idea what I weigh, but my jeans are definitely getting loose. It's a good feeling. According to some calculator I'll only be 130lbs when I go home for Spring Break. Not lighter. :/ That's a bummer. And if the Lida and campus walking isn't negating the whole starvation mode and keeping my metabolism sparked, then it'll be something more like 135? I'm not sure. It's hard to tell since I don't even know what I weight now.

Wednesdays, though, are going to be EXCELLENT for not eating. I'm busy all day since I'm not done with classes until 7pm. I know it's wrong to be happy about my disorder, but if I can just like myself for one second I'll be so much happier. Seriously. It's what keeps me motivated.

I fought with Matt. I'm crying. Unlike him, I don't blame the LDR, though.

I feel awful. And I ate way, way too much. It turned out an old friend was a big liar. Things feel really intolerable emotionally and the insides of my stomach are burning in protest.

Should you give up everything for the pursuit of feeling comfortable with yourself? I don't know.

I hate how college socially revolves around food. Snacks are provided at any sort of "event" on campus, and eating with my friends tends to be one of the major ways to "hang out". Which is probably why I put so much weight on in the first place. Last semester was rediculous. I feel so uncomfortable at the cafeteria because I'm usually just chewing a bit on an apple or pushing around the remnants of a salad. And my friends, both fairly skinny, always eat ice cream in front of me. It's a huge bummer, and I kinda just stop talking and look down at my plate and.. I don't know.

Liz remarked that I was eating a "healthy" dinner. Which means that because I'm overweight, it's apparently OK that I starve myself? Or that I was eating a normal amount for dinner? I did put a lot on my plate, but I only ended up eating less than a quarter of a banana, half an apple, a few slices of turkey, and approximately 6oz. of a mocha drink. I had 90c worth of granola in the morning and then a 100c snack pack of cereal/choco chips because I felt really faint. So I'm hoping all together that was only 350-400c. I was really hoping to eat less than that, too, but if I'm feeling faint I should probably eat anyway, right?

I used to be really happy, but lately I'm just cranky and feel like I'm growing apart from my friends. Which is probably for the better, believe it or not, because I'm certain they're not particularly fond of me.

I have no idea if the Lida shit is working for me since I don't have a scale. I feel like I'm thinner, but I mean, I'm still pretty hideous. It makes the hunger not so bad, and I don't end up with a growling stomach most of time. I consider that a plus.

I haven't been drinking coffee or diet soda lately, either. :) There's a plus for me. Less artificial sweetener.

Kaitlyn is coughing so loud I can hear it with her door closed. lolol. It makes me happy. Is that bad?

I saw There Will Be Blood today at the Ritz with Liz and Melissa. It was amazing. It was so long but so fascinating and compelling. And Paul Dano was amazing, especially when compared to his role in Little Miss Sunshine. Um. He was so skinny, too, even though he was heavily draped. It was fantastic. It made up for the awful amount of sleep I got thanks to the ever lovely Kaitlyn. I think I'm going to take the passive route with her and just be loud and annoying because I have a feeling "ratting her out" would be worse. Especially considering college is like, high school pt. 13 here.

Food so far:
Oatmeal - 160c

And that's it! But I'm going to J&H with Liz soon, so hopefully they have a clear broth soup or half decent salad. We'll see. Something good- I thought I was getting these nasty ass stretch marks on my stomach, of all places, but I think my tired eyes were fooling me. My stomach is eh, semi-flat, but its my thighs and ass where fat needs to come off mostly.

I'm feeling good about things. It's nice. I also can't wait to get back to classes, which is nerdy, but school work makes me feel like I can do something right.

Edit; boo. 400c dinner, approximately, but it was chicken, vegetables, and fruits, so hopefully that's okay. That means 560 for the day and low activity. I DID resist chicken wings, which I absolutely love, and pizza.. which I love as well. :( It'll be worth it though.

As for a real entry.

I've been trying to not go out so I don't end up having to eat and spend my money on my generally bitchy ass friends. I'm getting made fun of, but oh well. College is for.. furthering yourself, not partying or seeing a.. puppet show, which is exactly what they're doing right now.

Kaitlyn and a lot of bitches got really drunk while in the dorm. I've been feeling kinda cruddy lately, so it makes me really cranky that they all come here at like, seven, and don't leave for a party until ten thirty.. and then come back by at least one and act like loud ass drunk bitches. After having spent from seven-ten doing that already. But whatever. I'm just so fed up with having to define my weekends like this. It's really unfair. You're not supposed to drink in the fucking dorms in the first place. I could tell an RA, but I don't want to be a bitch, so I just bitch at Matt instead and he sorta half listens. I was so happy that Abby is practically living with Corbin this semester, but I didn't realize that Kaitlyn was going to take advantage of having her room to herself. Well, hello, we're still in a suite together and it's nice to be courteous. But instead I'm a loser. Because I do school work. Okay.

I'll be happy once that week gets here. Or just tomorrow. I actually have plans on a Sunday. It's gasp worthy.

Food today:
oatmeal: 160c
snacks: estimating 150c
dinner (chicken broth and a small salad): estimating 100c

I really can't wait to be able to buy my own groceries. Broth and frozen veggies, here I come. Next year. But still.

I'm thinking of buying a scale somewhere since I don't actually have one. I want to know what my progress is. Especially since I'm taking Lida right now.

Edit: Ahahaha they came back at five am and woke me up via door slamming and CACKLING. Omgwtff.ffjdf

I'm tired of feeling like I'm writing to an apathetic audience. I'd rather write to myself, if that's the type of people I'm going to end up having to deal with. Anyway, because I get to focus on myself, and not other people, I can talk all I want about my eating disorder. :)

I'm proud to have relapsed. I'm proud to be EDNOS, and to be of the severe restricting sort. I love the control. I love that in a month I'll be thin. Recovery isn't an option. I want to weigh 100lbs. And when I get there, I want to weigh less than that. I can do it. I want to do it, and fuck concern.

Height: 5'1"
HW: 180-190lbs
LW: 125lbs
CW: 139lbs
GW: 100lbs

As much as my high weight grosses me out, I feel proud that I've come so far. I'm not so proud of all the weight I gained after "recovering", but that's why I'm back to where I started. I'm really excited for the future.